"I really appreciate your love to me but I'm sorry I can't be with you anymore. Ever."
To relate to this story, I will opt one episode of How I Met Your Mother in Season 8 about "The Pit". I think this episode delivers a really good message for us that sometimes we unconsciously blame someone and throw him or her into our pit where actually who is in the pit is ourselves. It sometimes happens in a breakup. The ugliest breakup, particularly. Of course, we don't want to look like the one who makes mistake so we badmouth our exes all along, throwing them into our pits. But, have you realized that through your past relationships with them you were the one who made their life miserable? Well, I used to be someone who always said bad things about my exes. Mostly, it was me broke them up. It was me who thought they were not worth my energy and so on. Until one day I had an unforgettable breakup that turned my life upside down.
Prior to my real life story, I apologize if the significant someone reads this. There is no intentional purpose to hurt him or anyone. This is not aimed at getting back at him or trying to defend myself or to explain myself. I simply want to share my experience and how I learn from it. That's all. So shall we begin?
Note: Let's call him Mr. X.
I had been in relationship with Mr. X for about a year and a half. The first year was amazing to me, we traveled a lot, 5 times a year! A few fights surely happened in the middle of our journey, inevitably. Me with my unstable emotions and him with his too easy-going trait. He was a very caring person, totally patient to my stubbornness some people could not stand. In spite of all the romance we put into our hearts and thoughts, somehow I believed we would not be together. One small yet crucial issue we had: I live in the future while he does not like to talk or plan the future. This matter seemed nothing at first but later approaching the second year, I bumped into things that made me realize he was not someone I could spend my life with. I love adventures, I love to challenge myself crossing the limit. I love new things, exploring the world and the dreams I have not yet reached even the edge. He, on the other side, does not want to know what to expect in his future. He does not like to dream, he lives in the present too much and does not like to be bothered by that.
I don't like to have doubts in relationship so one day in a super cold New Year's Eve in Seoul, I asked him if he ever thought of marrying me someday. And he said: "Of course, Honey. It should be me saying that, you dumb." Surely having said that gave me hope of the future. I started to imagine how our life could be together and tried to accept him of who he was no matter I suppressed things I did not agree with. Things like he still lived with his parents, he still did not yet figure out what he wanted in his life, and things like he spent so much time for online games.
One day, I got crisis. My career seemed to go nowhere plus the scholarship I desperately wished for slipped off my chance. As I mentioned above that I am someone who lives in the future, this crushed me into pieces. I did not know what to envision anymore and it shook my entire system. He was just unlucky to be in the position where I expected to provide me a future to replace what I had been planning. Unconsciously, I rushed him into something we both were not ready yet: moving in to another city.
Understanding that he is someone who goes with the flow, rushing him means to break off his comfort. He refused my future offer and promised me the LDR (Long Distance Relationship) could work. His ultimate reason to back up his negative response was because of his family. He could not leave her family. Blaming my emotions of how I hardly can handle rejection, my output was storming outburst. I said terrible things to him and showed him my true colors in a very bad time. Here were my words to him (more or less):
1. If your job is settled here in the city I might have chosen to stay here with you.
2. You can’t live outside your comfort bubble.
3. You are a loser who still needs to ask permission of your mom.
4. You are such a Momma’s Boy still lives under your mother’s arm.
We had a pretty big fight and I broke him up that night. I deleted all of his contacts, blocked his social media handles, everything. Plus, when people asked me why I broke up I always said dreadful reasons and blamed him on the first place. I convinced people it was him who killed our relationship.
Question is: Was I happy?
Definitely not. Those moves I have regretted until present days. Not because I want to get back to him now, but the juvenile action proves how unstable my emotion is. How it made me unhappy and stressed. For weeks the guilt creeped me out, playing tricks with my mind. I could not live with my mind alone so later the unhappiness led me to see a therapist and finally got me into thinking everything through.
Calming days after, I dared myself to reach him out. I unveiled how I felt super guilty to hurt him so bad, apologized wholeheartedly and begged him for a chance in the future. Unfortunately, it was too late. I screwed everything. He told me what I did and said to him created a trauma. He was devastated and could not give me another chance at all. All doors had been closed. That time, he revealed all pains he kept for himself along our relationship including how I never understood his position as an integral part of his family, the thing about me not blending in with his friends, and how I somehow did not give him freedom. Last thing I heard from the other side of my phone was: “I will never ever get back to you, ever again. I don’t think I can’t be with someone like you anymore.”
Deep down, I actually kinda predicted of what he might say. Let’s back up a little. I insulted him not to have a good job and not to be a potential life partner. I insulted him of how he lives his life and in a way insulted his mom too. Of course he would not consider to be with me anymore. He probably thought that one day if we would have gotten back together, I would flip again and say all those things to him. So yeah, it made sense.
All memories, then, revisited my brain. The memory when I shut him down after got declined of scholarship submission and slightly gave him a hint that I wanted to hurt myself. The memory when I got crazy for him wanting to leave me for his friends. I got mad and made him stay with me. The memory when I pushed him to find another job and to work harder.
Remembering this, no wonder he would not accept me in his life anymore, would he? So the one I threw into a pit was not him but me. I was deep into the darkest pit and needed a stair to climb out there.
Remembering this, now, I sometimes wonder of how he would testify me once someone asked. I imagine a label “a crazy girl” appears. And remembering this now, I often think that I’m not worth for another good guy before I make sure to have better mind to share another romantic episode. Although I always question myself after all those things: Am I The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend?
Illustration by @sabinaka