“At the end, it’s not the one who is going to let me but the one who is going to stop me.”
Have you ever had a crush on someone?
Well, I am sure everybody has. One way or another, we must have felt that desire to be close to somebody. We want to feel those affections from the ones we adore. We’re dying to get their attention even if it takes some embarrassing experience. Like when you laugh out loud around them or when they catch you staring at them. Often we make fool out of ourselves just to get them notice our existence.
And then, they did.
Oh, I still remember that feeling. The first time he finally smiled at me. I was mesmerized. I thought I was crazy when he said that first hello and when he finally asked me out, my heart jumped off through the roof. This is it! This is the moment I’ve been waiting for.
So, we had a date. We talked about what our likes and dislike. I told him about how excited I was about what I did for work and he told me he loved the way I tell my stories. He didn’t let his eyes off of me. Then he told me about his family, he told me how he loves his sisters. I thought, “Aw, he must be a very sweet guy”.
Later that night, he took my hand in his. My mind was everywhere but there. All I could imagine was what tomorrow would be like, being with him. Tons of happy scenario were playing in my head like a movie. It all burst out when he kissed me (on the cheek) before we said goodbye.
How can you sleep at night after such a great date? I couldn’t. I kept on watching the clock, waiting for his calls. Those butterflies in my stomach couldn’t seem to be quiet. So, I kept on waiting. I waited and I waited, and then I waited some more. Until I realize…
Our date was today last week. I didn’t know what to do. I called my friends and told them my version of the story and of course they would be on my side. They said, “he’s probably just busy and taking it slow.” I believed them. So I decided to wait. But, as expected, a part of my mind went out of control, directing my hand to press call on his number.
He picked up. Surprisingly, his voice was...happy. He sounded glad that I called. So, instead of calling him out for his disappearance, I asked him out and he said yes. We went to watch a movie (of my choice). I felt almost as amazing as the first one. Almost. You know~ when you got used to being with somebody, you get comfortable and you don’t feel awkward anymore. At least, that’s what I thought.
My confidence was shaking after not hearing from him the week after. Then the same scenario happened again. Over and over again. Sometimes, he would come out of the blue to give me a glimpse of how it feels like if we are actually together. Then, he would go missing again like I never existed. I went from super excited to insane. All I could think all day was how to get his attention back. I didn’t have enough spare energy to do productive stuff. Things that I actually had to do. Things that made me feel good. My world sank down together with the idea of being in love with him.
He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… He loves me… He loves me not… I could do this forever till the very last petal on a flower. Still I could never be sure what where I was standing in this relationship.
My misery had no end. I started to look for help. I didn’t want to go to my friends because I didn’t want them to hate him. Just in case someday he turned around. So I went to an online forum. This may sound very silly but love is silly. What can we do?
What I didn’t expect was how honest and blunt the responds I got. I told them my story and basically all of them said I was being played. They said that he’s just mentally unavailable at the moment but he was lonely. I was an easy target because I was so desperate for him.
Not as bad as it may sound, this is actually just the truth. It wasn’t a blame or accusation. There’s no judgement like one of those sayings~ ‘it’s just a boy being a boy’ or ‘he’s an asshole’. They didn’t put themselves in my shoes. They simply strangers who read my stories and had independent opinions about it. Maybe it’s what we need to see things from different perspective.
I got about 30 responses. I’ve read them religiously and I could summarize them into one realization.
We’re stuck with the idea of finding ‘the one’. One soulmate who’s created only to complete us. That’s not wrong because a lot of people have found theirs, I know this. But what we often forget about this perfect person is that they come when you least expected. It doesn't (always) mean that he would run into you on the street but it’s when you’re not aware of the process. He would make it feels so easy. It’s all about passion and happiness. You won’t have to wait for him or wonder where he is because he will be right there for you to find. He’s going to make sure you know that you guys are meant to be with each other.
He won’t let you ask because he’d tell you even before you realize you need to know. He won’t let you worry because he’d be right there to show you that everything is fine. Because if it’s meant to be it’ll be easy, he’ll make it easy for you. I hold on to this thing now. At the end, it’s not the one who is going to let me be in limbo but the one who is going to stop me from wondering.
I hope we never ever let anyone to waste our time and energy on something uncertain as well. I know the mystery is fun but if that’s all there is, it’s time to walk away.
Illustration by @sabinaka