Based on a psychological study (or a tech expert guy who found the correlation between the amount of time of someone spent time stalking over the other person’s feed) –we never know), a crush only lasts for a maximum of 4 months. Sounds systematic, right? Except that it doesn’t.
In my early junior year, I grew up as shy not-so-confident girl. Neither was I into a dating scene so when a tall, rounded-eyes, bald basketball champ from other school asked for my number through a friend, that was something. Our only form of communication was MSN chat because we were never alone and all we did was shyly smiling to each other during all those times we met. That one time my phone was stolen during an exam week so I was not online for four days. The next time I went online, he did not appear the whole day (it was quite big of a matter that time, like these days when your WhatsApp gets only one check mark, got it?) so I asked my friend who did not have the heart at first to tell me that he’s seeing this new girl in their school.
Since then, I never heard from him again nor had the universe somehow drew us together just like I hoped to. We both moved on with our lives but I always get a glimpse of his life; from my uni-prep course classmate, random people I met until the era of social media (thanks, Facebook) so I am well informed about the farewell he had with our mutual friends when he left to study abroad, which city he lives in the past six years, where he studied under-grad until master degree, his funk jazz band where he plays sax, his first foreign girlfriend and all, heck I know what he did last summer.
It has been a decade since the last time I saw him and in between those times, never have we had any direct interactions. So few weeks ago when he slipped into my DM giving heads up that he would be on the island and asking to catch up, I was up for it. Then again, what’s the worst that can happen? That’s what I thought.
–Hell, the worst happened.
So there we were, planning the rendezvous. I was excited so badly at first but then in last minute, doubts hit me with all possibilities and heartbreaks we would embrace so I took a rain check. Logically, it automatically cancelled everything because he was supposed to go back home the next day. And there I was just few hours before he flew, being all mellow and texting him impulsively: “Kinda wish you'll miss your flight, though."
Now listen when I am telling you that it's true what they say, ‘careful with what you wish for’. Because an hour later a text from him received: "Wish granted, my flight's cancelled."
Who would've thought the silent and calm Mount Agung would actually be coughing ashes out of the blue and the airport's shut down, cancelling flights?
I took the liberty to offer for a ride back to the hotel where he previously stayed, and there he was, standing all so-gorgeous. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel nervous and instead it felt so familiar, almost like home.
The next day we've got another catching-up session arranged, for the old times’ sake (I excuse myself to believe). We met at a touristic place all casual and chill, had a talk for hours... ten and a half to be exact. –I know, right?
At the end of the day I felt a bit lightheaded and he insisted to drive me home. I declined politely and asked his company instead to just sit in the car until the alcohol wore off. Then he did (don't expect any steamy sesh because there was none) until...
"Should I kiss you?"
That irresistible combination of his adorable eyes and those sweet lips, I would've said yes.
Except that I am...married.
I did not see it coming; all those flames and chemistry were flooding in the air. We're both clueless and yet the temptation was too hard we could barely handle.
I went home that night to my husband in bed, questioning why on earth his wife went home at midnight on a Saturday –strange as we always spent weekend together. I said that I need to get a life just a bit.
Little did he know, I was actually questioning my life decision.
His voice then rewinds in my head, those words about no waiting and hoping because I deserve better, to the most painful of all, "I think we've made the best decision not to go further, it's the right thing for both our partners."
I guess that’s what we’re good at and so that it is what we are going to be for the rest of our lives... being the best thing we never had.
Illustration by @sabinaka